Every relationship is a different experience that teaches us a lesson each and everytime one ends. And sometimes, it makes us feel afraid of meeting new people, and be more aware of the next partner that we're gonna choose to be with.
Every time a relationship ends, it's like one chapter of our life has ended one by one and it's time to move on to the next. Every failed relationship leaves a scar inside our heart which makes us more aware and be more careful towards finding the next. It felt as though it makes us stronger and stronger as each one becomes the history one by one. But when I come to think of it, im not getting a single bit stronger. It felt as though i'm being more and more afraid and timid. Afraid of getting hurt again. Afraid of getting into another round of hurt all over again right after i've finally gotten over the previous one.
I'm the kind of girl that will put in 100% in every relationship that im commited to. Thus, i rarely get myself into a short-term relationship (those kinda relationship that lasts less than a year). That is prolly because one of my weakness in a relationship is that, i put in too much faith and end myself up being hurt again and again because putting in too much faith makes me a very forgiving person as well. Thus, people tend to take advantage of my forgiveness repeatedly, and repeat the same mistakes again and again knowing that they'll definitely gain my forgiveness back like as if there's no limits to my tolerance. But, once im gone, im gone. I will not turn back anymore. The moment i've let go of every single faith that i've held on to before, i'm not turning back anymore.
But after all the experience i've had in the past, it makes me hold myself back when it comes to guys. Before i wanna move on to a new relationship, i make sure i know that person more before putting in my 100%. Im so afraid of that "not being able to let go" / "I don't wanna be alone again" kinda feeling that will come back to my life after i've finally accept my single life back. Thus, im really really afraid of putting in my 100% already, like there's something holding me back.
But then again, the pain i've had and endured for the past years has indeed made me a stronger person in a way or another, and it felt as though im ready to leave at any point of time when i need to. 2017 onwards, i told myself that i would live my life happily and i would stand on my own 2 feet and walk out from all the negativities in my life. I started cutting people off from my life and welcomed happiness and positivities into my life. I wanna be happy again. I need to be happy again. That's all that really matters. I want someone who can really love me and cherish me. i want someone who will not take advantage of me. I want someone who would treat me like someone so precious. I just wanna finally feel what it's like to be that special someone to somebody. I dont wanna be ditched around like an unwanted toy and taken back again when they're bored. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be treated like an unwanted toy. Im worth more than that. I mean, my expectation is not even high. I dont need somebody rich to be taking care of my expenses. I hate relying on guys because i'd never know when i'll be ditched by that wealthy lil bitch and be left alone feeling hopeless and helpless because i've lost my "ATM". All i ever wanted is someone who will look at me like as if they're so lucky to have me, someone who would make the effort to spend their time with me. Someone whom i could do stupid and crazy things with, laughing so hard at it while appreciating each other's presence. Just basically, feeling happy together and prioritizing one another like nothing else really matters (apart from our family of course).
Ahhh well, life will never be perfect. Even if you found that almost perfect someone, there will bound to be something that will be there to make ur life difficult. Just hope that the tide will go off soon.